Monday, November 26, 2007
Alone
I sit here alone each night and all I do is cry. My marriage is over, but we have to wait for the baby to be born before we can file for divorce. I can barely even type I am sobbing so uncontrollably. I don't know what to do. It seems like my whole world has come crashing down on me and all I can do is watch as it falls. I always said that when I got married that it would be forever. I guess I was lying to myself. Here I am, pregnant with a baby we planned, and now I am bringing it into a broken home, a broken family. I don't even know what I am doing here. I want this baby so much, but I didn't want it to be like this. I never did. I feel like I have no one to really lean on right now. yeah, i have a few friends to talk to, but no one to really lean on. I tried so hard to make things work, but apparently it wasn't hard enough and now I have failed at yet another thing. My perfect dream wedding seems like it was all a lie. Now I am going to be the single mom of three. I wanted so much more for myself and my kids. All I want is to be loved and comforted. Is that really too much to ask? Am I unlovable? Am I really that horrible of a person that I chased the one person that I loved with all of my heart? Will this hurt ever go away?
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2 comments:
I am not perfect. I have to tell you a friend of mine called me a few years ago and said, "you seem like you have your life so together" I laughed at her, it was about the funniest thing I had ever heard. There was a time, about 6 or so ago, that I was going to a church and they exiled a friend of mine. I didn't understand what politics had to do with people being close to God. (Still don't) but I didn't go to church for several years. About 2 years ago we started going to a tiny church on 32nd street and we really liked the people there, when we left, we did so only because we needed some programs for our kids, and we are still involved with that church from time to time. NOw I go to a church that I really love. It wasn't always that way, but a friend of mine pointed something out to me that really confronted my thinking. He said " Have you ever had a bad experiance in a car?" well, yeah of course everyone who has ever gotten a ticket, been in an accident, had cheerios all over the backseat has had a "bad" experiance in a car, so what? He says to me "Do you still drive, or ride in a car?" Of course I do, "So why is it you will get back into a car, when you know odds are you will have another bad experiance, but you won't go back to another church?" That really stumped me.
Church isn't supposed to be about being perfect, about playing politics, or anything else. Church is supposed to be like a family that uplifts and supports you through both the good and the bad. I hope you can find a place like this, because I hear you saying you really need a shoulder to cry on right now. You can come to church with me if you want to
:-) I go to the baptist church between the mall and the jolly pirate on 30th street service starts at 9:30 for sunday school, 10:30 for Church, and if you come you'll get to hear me sing :-)
I agree with Amanda on this. you really need to go to church. If nothing else just so you have a safe place to cry. No one makes a big deal of crying in church. Plus, there is no one else like God to bring things into perspective for you. He can do a much better job than our few hours on the phone could ever have. I will be praying for the two of you.
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