Alone

I sit here alone each night and all I do is cry. My marriage is over, but we have to wait for the baby to be born before we can file for divorce. I can barely even type I am sobbing so uncontrollably. I don't know what to do. It seems like my whole world has come crashing down on me and all I can do is watch as it falls. I always said that when I got married that it would be forever. I guess I was lying to myself. Here I am, pregnant with a baby we planned, and now I am bringing it into a broken home, a broken family. I don't even know what I am doing here. I want this baby so much, but I didn't want it to be like this. I never did. I feel like I have no one to really lean on right now. yeah, i have a few friends to talk to, but no one to really lean on. I tried so hard to make things work, but apparently it wasn't hard enough and now I have failed at yet another thing. My perfect dream wedding seems like it was all a lie. Now I am going to be the single mom of three. I wanted so much more for myself and my kids. All I want is to be loved and comforted. Is that really too much to ask? Am I unlovable? Am I really that horrible of a person that I chased the one person that I loved with all of my heart? Will this hurt ever go away?

Pregnancy = a lot of crying...

EVERYTHING and I do mean EVERYTHING can make you cry when you are pregnant. Now a lot is going on in my life right now that would make me cry whether or not I was prego and I am naturally a very emotional person, but for goodness sake! It seems like everything I read or watch or even the music I am listening to at any given moment makes me wanna cry! Either there is something about a baby, or missing someone, or breaking up, or it doesn't even have to be a normal think I would cry about! I cry!! Ugh...I think I am gonna have to buy a box of Kleenex to carry with me wherever I go! Lol!! Okay, I probably seem really angry right now, but I am not. I really am laughing right now as I type this, but I will probably burst into tears any moment. if I can make it to the end of this blog without crying...it will be a miracle. If you have ever been pregnant, you know what I am saying here. Heck, I think you should get coupons for free boxes of tissues when you are pregnant! Doesn't that sound good? Lol!! Okay, I have to go to bed. I think that is enough crying for one day! Lol!

I pray for strength...

So things on the home-front seem to be taking a turn for the worse this week. We are still pretty much separated and I can't stand it. I did kick him out initially, but I was sick of him not working. Now he has a job, but is still staying at his brothers house. He might stay a night or two a week, but it sucks! He is supposed to be my husband, but it doesn't feel like I am even married! It almost feels like he is my boyfriend that occasionally stays at my apartment. A boyfriend who walks away when I cry, when in my eyes he is the one who is supposed to comfort me and wipe my tears away. My kids comfort me more than anyone, but I don't like them seeing me that way. I just want a husband who will help support the family financially, and be there for me emotionally. We were watching Spiderman 3 last night at Chad's brothers house and Peter Parker is talking about asking Mary Jane to marry him, his Aunt May says that a husband needs to put his wife before himself.

Today, Chad told me he doesn't think he can do that anymore. It's not like I want to be put on a pedastool but I would like some affection, in front of your friends and family (not just mine or when we are by ourselves), to be made to feel special. I don't remember the last time I felt special because of him. I am so lost and confused at this point. I love him so much, but if this is how it is always going to be, then I don't think I can do that. I always said that when I got married, it was forever, but it seems like that is going down the drain. My marriage and happy family seem to have disappeared and I can't do anything to bring it back. What did I ever do to deserve this? I feel so sad, lonely, depressed, and stressed. I pray for strength. I think I am going to need it.

An update...

Well we went to the Dr. on Friday. Nothing major, but we did get to hear the heartbeat...okay, that is a big thing. It did ease a bit of stress on my part. I just don't feel pregnant. Those of you who have been pregnant know what I mean. No morning sickness, aren't showing yet, no physical signs of being pregnant....plus with all of the stress I have endured over the past 2 months, I was a little scared that there wouldn't be a heartbeat. But, there was and that is what matters! We took Dade with us (by we, I mean, Chad and I) so that he could hear it as well. I am hoping to schedule the ultrasound, when it comes time, so that both of the boys can go and see it. I think the ultrasound is cool and hopefully they will too. I do have a little bump, but not much and I haven't actually gained any weight yet...don't get all judgemental, those who gained weight from the beginning. I WILL gain weight and I WILL make up for not gaining any in the beginning...I'll just wake up one morning and go "where did that some from" as I look down and can't see my feet any more!! lol!!
Chad and I have been doing really well over the past week. He stayed here since Thursday night after work. Tonight he went to his brothers house. he says he doesn't want to rush back into everything yet. I have so many mixed emotions going on and I am also trying to ignore bad thoughts in the back of my head. I want to focus on the positive, but it can be so hard. Sometimes I am afraid he'd rather be at his brother's house than here with us, or that I really am going to end up a single mother of three. Only time will tell I suppose. All I know is that I have to do my best to keep my chin up, think positive and do my best at what I need to do to make it work. To all or any of you who are praying for us, I thank you very much. Please continue the prayers. God Bless.

Difficult times

Well the past 2 months have been pretty darn stressful and well, not fun really. I did find out I am pregnant, which is a happy thing. I have always loved being pregnant. The problem is, Chad and I have been going through some difficult times. We have been fighting a lot more and anyone who knows me knows that I am not a nice person when I am mad. I can actually get pretty darn mean and spiteful. I don't like being this way and I am working on it. I am reading self help books, seeing a counselor, on top of marriage counseling. Right now he is pretty much staying at his brothers house. Yes, I did ask for him to stay there to give me some time to think. I know I want to be with him, but I was tired of all of the crap. I wont go into great detail on here because I don't feel it is necessary for everyone to know everything. He is now working, which will help out A LOT!!! That will ease a lot of stress on me, especially right now with me being pregnant. I can't work those long hours like I want to be able to. My body just won't allow it, plus with all the stress it is not good for me or the baby at all. It has actually had me a bit worried, which I plan on discussing with the doctor on Friday when I go in. I just know that I love Chad with all of my heart and I want to be with him, to grow old with him. I want us to work out and I know we can, we just have some stuff we need to deal with and to get past on our own. Yes marriage is about working together and being there for each other, but if you can't even be there for yourself, how can you be there for someone else? Is it possible? I don't really think so. I miss Chad so much when he isn't here. I miss laying next to him in bed, sitting next to him on the couch...chatting with him throughout the evening...sigh. I just want things to be going well between us again. For us to be back on track. I am sure we will get there. It may take some time and it may not be easy, but I plan on working my butt off until it happens. ;-)