Prego update...

I went to the doctor on Monday morning. Everything looks great. Still haven't gained much weight, but I do walk A LOT at work, so that may have something to do with it. the doctor isn't too concerned right now, so neither am I. As long as I don't lose any weight at this point. She checked the heartbeat and while moving the little dopplar they use around on my lower belly, the baby kicked it. It was so cool. The heartbeat was at 154 BPM. They scheduled my 20 week ultrasound for January 3rd and I am so excited for it! Hopefully the baby will not be too modest and let us see whether it is a boy or girl! Another cool thing that happened that night...I was sitting on the couch, Chad was on the computer working on a website design and the baby started to kick. I anxiously told Chad to hurry and come feel. He sat next to me, put his hand on my belly and after a few moments, felt the baby kick! So Chad finally felt the baby kick! He was all smiles and I thought I'd share that with you! I will give more of an update of what has been going on here soon. Everyone, except Dawson has been sick! Mine of course lasted for 4 days, since the list of medications I can take is so short! Ugh... Starting to feel better, which is good so that I can go back to work tomorrow! Gotta make the money!

This stinks...

So, tonight before I went to work, Chad told me that he doesn't have hope of us getting back together that we should just focus on raising the kids together and maybe trying to be friends. I just can't accept that it is over. Is that just dumb of me? I figure it is me living in denial. Part of me thinks he has wanted it for a while now and our last big fight was just his way out. I know that sounds stupid and possibly childish, but hey, this is my blog and that is one thing that goes through my head. I just keep going over and over in my head the things he said and it just seems like there is more to the story and I don't know why I keep thinking that. Maybe I want there to be more to it. I do know that he could barely look me in the eye. I never thought this would be my life. This isn't how it was supposed to go. We got married and now we are supposed to be together forever. That is what marriage means to me. Part of me just wants to run away and get away from here. Like that would make it easier, but I know it won't. This is just going to be hard no matter where I am or what else is going on around the world. I know to some of you there are more important issues out there, but to me, right now, this is all that is on my mind. I may think of other things, but my thoughts constantly come back to this. Am I that horrible of a person that I drove my husband away, never to return? I know I am not a horrible person deep down, but I also know that I said some horrible things, as did he. I just love him so much and I don't want to let him go, but part of me also keeps saying that if it is meant to be, then he will come back. The problem is that I keep picturing him in the future with someone else and I don't think I can handle that. My heart breaks a little every time those thoughts enter my mind. You may say, "well quit thinking those thoughts." but it isn't that easy. I want to lash out and say every mean and cruel thing that comes to my mind, but that is what got me into this whole mess. Maybe I don't deserve him. maybe he does deserve someone who will love him and treat him better. I just want to wake up in the morning and everything be okay. i know that isn't going to happen, but it would be nice. That this was all just a bad dream. i can picture some of his friends telling him it's about time he finally left me, and that he'll be better off and happier without me. That he'll find someone better. I want to be that person, but apparently I am not. I am not what he wants and I guess I can't be that person. I used to be, but apparently I have changed a little too much. I think I am just going to curl up on the couch and cry myself to sleep. This stinks.

Why Women Cry...

I got this in an email from Kathy and I just had to repost this for all to read. I love it and think it is so true. Women are a lot more sensitive than men, but read this and let me know what you think.

Why Women Cry

A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?" "Because I'm a woman," she told him. "I don't understand," he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will." Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?" "All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.

The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry. Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked, "God, why do women cry so easily?"

God said:

"When I made the woman she had to be special. I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.

I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.

I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.

I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.

I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.

I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.

And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."

"You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."

4 months prego...

I thought I would go ahead and post an ultrasound pic and one of my four month belly. Here ya go.

Baby parsons due May 14th, 2007!
Weighing 5 ounces and 5 inches long crown to rump!

My belly at 4 months!

I have also been feeling the baby kick for about a week now. In a few weeks or so, you should be able to feel the kicks when you lay your hand on my belly. I love feeling the little tumbling acts going on in my stomach. It is such a wonderful feeling!