This stinks...

So, tonight before I went to work, Chad told me that he doesn't have hope of us getting back together that we should just focus on raising the kids together and maybe trying to be friends. I just can't accept that it is over. Is that just dumb of me? I figure it is me living in denial. Part of me thinks he has wanted it for a while now and our last big fight was just his way out. I know that sounds stupid and possibly childish, but hey, this is my blog and that is one thing that goes through my head. I just keep going over and over in my head the things he said and it just seems like there is more to the story and I don't know why I keep thinking that. Maybe I want there to be more to it. I do know that he could barely look me in the eye. I never thought this would be my life. This isn't how it was supposed to go. We got married and now we are supposed to be together forever. That is what marriage means to me. Part of me just wants to run away and get away from here. Like that would make it easier, but I know it won't. This is just going to be hard no matter where I am or what else is going on around the world. I know to some of you there are more important issues out there, but to me, right now, this is all that is on my mind. I may think of other things, but my thoughts constantly come back to this. Am I that horrible of a person that I drove my husband away, never to return? I know I am not a horrible person deep down, but I also know that I said some horrible things, as did he. I just love him so much and I don't want to let him go, but part of me also keeps saying that if it is meant to be, then he will come back. The problem is that I keep picturing him in the future with someone else and I don't think I can handle that. My heart breaks a little every time those thoughts enter my mind. You may say, "well quit thinking those thoughts." but it isn't that easy. I want to lash out and say every mean and cruel thing that comes to my mind, but that is what got me into this whole mess. Maybe I don't deserve him. maybe he does deserve someone who will love him and treat him better. I just want to wake up in the morning and everything be okay. i know that isn't going to happen, but it would be nice. That this was all just a bad dream. i can picture some of his friends telling him it's about time he finally left me, and that he'll be better off and happier without me. That he'll find someone better. I want to be that person, but apparently I am not. I am not what he wants and I guess I can't be that person. I used to be, but apparently I have changed a little too much. I think I am just going to curl up on the couch and cry myself to sleep. This stinks.