Blahhhhhhhhh

So for some reason, unknown to me, all I want to do (and am doing right now) is crying. I have no real reason either which makes it worse for me. I feel all alone and I know I am not. I feel left out which I know I am not. This is the part of pregnancy that gets to me. I have been doing so well I should have know this would come sooner or later. I know it is just the hormones going all out of whack, but that doesn't make it nay easier...all I wanted to do was come home and curl up on the couch next to my hubby but he made plans (not knowing the mood I am in) to go to his brothers house to drink. **sigh** it sucks. I have to go over and get the kids, but part of me doesn't even want to do that. I am so tired from crying I could probably just fall asleep right now and not even care. I do hate feeling this way. It stinks. Especially when I have no justifiable reason to feel this way.
BLAHHHHHHHH!

First update of 2008...

okay, sorry I have slacked a little bit here on the blogging and updates of stuff. I have been enjoying time hanging with the family plus I have been working as much as I can right now, because who knows how long I will be able to keep this up.

Well we had an ultrasound on January 3rd and found out that we are having a girl...Yeah!!!

Little Lily Parsons...still don't have a middle name yet. I was thinking of Grayce, but that is their cousin Angel's middle name and I am weird about names. Angel is too close a family member. I just can't use that as a middle name so we are still looking.

Everything is progressing wonderfully. The doctor wants me to work on gaining more weight, more like a pound a week. It seems to be really hard with my job. I did some research and when I work a double I burn between 1500 to 2000 calories a day walking and carrying the trays so I have to be eating a lot...and I mean A LOT!!!

Although I have now been experiencing braxton hicks contractions here over the last two weeks. The other day I had quite a few of them and it was a little bit scary...I don't remember having this many this soon with either of the boys. i figure this is my body's way of telling me to cut down on the double shifts and slow down a bit. It kind of sucks, since I am making really good money, but it will be okay in the end.

I am really thinking of getting those 3D/4D ultrasound. I have seen a few of them recently and I want to get one so bad. Yes it costs a bit of money but I think I am going to splurge and do it. Maybe with income tax money....

Here a few of the pics from the ultrasound....

You can see her long legs and her arm with her fist on her knee...little drummer girl..



You can see her feet here in this one...



Things on the homefront are going pretty well. Still just taking everything a day at a time, but things are going absolutely great. And honesty is the best policy. It really is...no matter what anyone says. I love Chad and am really happy with the way things are going right now. I just hope it keeps going in this direction and gets better...

Prego update...

I went to the doctor on Monday morning. Everything looks great. Still haven't gained much weight, but I do walk A LOT at work, so that may have something to do with it. the doctor isn't too concerned right now, so neither am I. As long as I don't lose any weight at this point. She checked the heartbeat and while moving the little dopplar they use around on my lower belly, the baby kicked it. It was so cool. The heartbeat was at 154 BPM. They scheduled my 20 week ultrasound for January 3rd and I am so excited for it! Hopefully the baby will not be too modest and let us see whether it is a boy or girl! Another cool thing that happened that night...I was sitting on the couch, Chad was on the computer working on a website design and the baby started to kick. I anxiously told Chad to hurry and come feel. He sat next to me, put his hand on my belly and after a few moments, felt the baby kick! So Chad finally felt the baby kick! He was all smiles and I thought I'd share that with you! I will give more of an update of what has been going on here soon. Everyone, except Dawson has been sick! Mine of course lasted for 4 days, since the list of medications I can take is so short! Ugh... Starting to feel better, which is good so that I can go back to work tomorrow! Gotta make the money!

This stinks...

So, tonight before I went to work, Chad told me that he doesn't have hope of us getting back together that we should just focus on raising the kids together and maybe trying to be friends. I just can't accept that it is over. Is that just dumb of me? I figure it is me living in denial. Part of me thinks he has wanted it for a while now and our last big fight was just his way out. I know that sounds stupid and possibly childish, but hey, this is my blog and that is one thing that goes through my head. I just keep going over and over in my head the things he said and it just seems like there is more to the story and I don't know why I keep thinking that. Maybe I want there to be more to it. I do know that he could barely look me in the eye. I never thought this would be my life. This isn't how it was supposed to go. We got married and now we are supposed to be together forever. That is what marriage means to me. Part of me just wants to run away and get away from here. Like that would make it easier, but I know it won't. This is just going to be hard no matter where I am or what else is going on around the world. I know to some of you there are more important issues out there, but to me, right now, this is all that is on my mind. I may think of other things, but my thoughts constantly come back to this. Am I that horrible of a person that I drove my husband away, never to return? I know I am not a horrible person deep down, but I also know that I said some horrible things, as did he. I just love him so much and I don't want to let him go, but part of me also keeps saying that if it is meant to be, then he will come back. The problem is that I keep picturing him in the future with someone else and I don't think I can handle that. My heart breaks a little every time those thoughts enter my mind. You may say, "well quit thinking those thoughts." but it isn't that easy. I want to lash out and say every mean and cruel thing that comes to my mind, but that is what got me into this whole mess. Maybe I don't deserve him. maybe he does deserve someone who will love him and treat him better. I just want to wake up in the morning and everything be okay. i know that isn't going to happen, but it would be nice. That this was all just a bad dream. i can picture some of his friends telling him it's about time he finally left me, and that he'll be better off and happier without me. That he'll find someone better. I want to be that person, but apparently I am not. I am not what he wants and I guess I can't be that person. I used to be, but apparently I have changed a little too much. I think I am just going to curl up on the couch and cry myself to sleep. This stinks.

Why Women Cry...

I got this in an email from Kathy and I just had to repost this for all to read. I love it and think it is so true. Women are a lot more sensitive than men, but read this and let me know what you think.

Why Women Cry

A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?" "Because I'm a woman," she told him. "I don't understand," he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will." Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?" "All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.

The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry. Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked, "God, why do women cry so easily?"

God said:

"When I made the woman she had to be special. I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.

I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.

I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.

I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.

I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.

I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.

And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."

"You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."

4 months prego...

I thought I would go ahead and post an ultrasound pic and one of my four month belly. Here ya go.

Baby parsons due May 14th, 2007!
Weighing 5 ounces and 5 inches long crown to rump!

My belly at 4 months!

I have also been feeling the baby kick for about a week now. In a few weeks or so, you should be able to feel the kicks when you lay your hand on my belly. I love feeling the little tumbling acts going on in my stomach. It is such a wonderful feeling!

Alone

I sit here alone each night and all I do is cry. My marriage is over, but we have to wait for the baby to be born before we can file for divorce. I can barely even type I am sobbing so uncontrollably. I don't know what to do. It seems like my whole world has come crashing down on me and all I can do is watch as it falls. I always said that when I got married that it would be forever. I guess I was lying to myself. Here I am, pregnant with a baby we planned, and now I am bringing it into a broken home, a broken family. I don't even know what I am doing here. I want this baby so much, but I didn't want it to be like this. I never did. I feel like I have no one to really lean on right now. yeah, i have a few friends to talk to, but no one to really lean on. I tried so hard to make things work, but apparently it wasn't hard enough and now I have failed at yet another thing. My perfect dream wedding seems like it was all a lie. Now I am going to be the single mom of three. I wanted so much more for myself and my kids. All I want is to be loved and comforted. Is that really too much to ask? Am I unlovable? Am I really that horrible of a person that I chased the one person that I loved with all of my heart? Will this hurt ever go away?